Exposure

Sometimes it scares the shit out of me to write stuff on this blog. Often I'll contemplate deleting it. Sometimes I abandon it for a period of time pushing it further from my own reality. As if ignoring it means that I have not exposed my deepest thoughts, exposed my crazy side. LOL!

Writing about my personal feelings and posting them on the internet for the world to view it really difficult. The only reason I do so is for two reasons.

1. Maybe somebody out there will identify and understand the feelings and the situations that go along with having an illness that is highly misunderstood.

2. That I can get the message to someone who is suffering from this illness that they are not alone.

Some of us who have been in treatment have a better idea of what goes on and how to deal with our circumstances. We have shared our stories in therapy either privately or with groups in a safe environment. There are, however, some folks who are at the beginning of the journey and may feel tremendously out of sorts about the whole thing. This is a very personal illness because it effects how we feel inside.

I know I have felt shame often because from the outside I look fine. Healthy. Nobody can tell that I am sick. I'm not in a wheel chair, or using a cane. Yet, in many ways I do need a support system to hold me together, brace me as I walk among the living and try to live day by day. There is a struggle.

This illness does go into remission and there are months, even years when someone effected by bipolar disorder can live free from most of the symptoms. Those are the times we relish and when we often even question whether we really are sick and too often some of us will stop taking our medication. This is something I struggle with a lot. I don't like taking medications. I worry about the effects that they will have on my liver and God only knows what else. So when I am feeling better, more human, I question whether or not I really need those medications. I question whether or not I am truly suffering from bipolar disorder. Maybe the doctors made an error and I was only going through some tough times.

Bipolar disorder is a tricky disease.

The times that I did stop taking my medications always lead to a few months of being okay and then boom, drop, fall, hit bottom. So as far as going off of medications I don't see any way around it. The medications do keep me stable.

I really hate this disease and wish that I didn't have it. I don't want it. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. It really sucks!

The stress factor and bipolar disorder

Last night watching the local news all we hear about is how bad the economy is and how our state is running out of funds. Jobs are scarce.....blah blah blah.....(insert more bad news).

My husband looks over at me and says, you may not get your social security. I told him that I don't think that is effected because it is federal, not state. He says, they are running out of money too. (ugh).

So this morning I wake up with massive hives. My face is swollen and I am itching like a son of a bitch!!!! Just finished putting cortisone cream all over to stop the itch and I am holding off on taking a xanax because I hate to take them. They work, but are so addictive that I only take them if I cannot stop the anxiety attack on my own.

What scares me is that without my social security disability, I have no way of getting my medical needs met. No way to pay for my medications and without them and the added stress, I could land in the hospital and have to start from zero to recuperate.

I am in a program for people with disabilities to return to gainful employment but with the state of the economy it is not happening fast enough. Oh how I want to go back to work. Unfortunately with my condition, I cannot handle too much stress. That's not to say that I cannot handle a stressful job, I cannot handle people who cause stress. My body shuts down and I get very sick. Then the mania sets in and I go off the deep end.

I want a job where I can work independently. I don't do well with people. Not all people, there have been some people I got along with greatly while working, it just takes one to be abusive towards people and I cannot handle it emotionally. I also tend to take things too personally when most people let it roll right off. I try not to let things bother me but it is part of the bipolar disorder. I cannot help it at times. Its a trigger that sets off a major depression or a manic episode. Both of which usually require a hospitalization and months of daily outpatient therapy to heal from.

What causes bipolar disorder or other mental disorders?

Another good video. If you are following my blog, please take note that I am using this as my own personal journal for my experiences and may put something up and then go back and add to it.

This video inspired me to think about some things that may have had an impact on my psychological state of being. I grew up with physical and emotional abuse which could have an effect on the way I interpret things. I'll write about that another time. This blog is new and I am easing into expressing and exposing deep personal issues that I normally do not open up about.

It seems when I open up and express things, I feel too exposed and ashamed. Not that anything should cause shame but it does.

Conventional Psychiatry, Behavorial Psychology and Mental Health

This is a series of videos about self actualization, psychology, mental health and human needs and obtaining ones full potential. I found it interesting and educational.

http://www.youtube.com/user/psychetruth

I'm NOT answering

I have this rule that I will not answer the phone when I have been asleep or if I am just getting up and have not yet had my coffee and a chance to get my bearings.

Why? Because I am a total idiot when I try to snap to and have a decent conversation if woken up. Then the more I try to cover it up, the more anxious I get and the faster I talk.

My son knows that if he calls and gets no answer to just call right back and I'll usually pick up if I see its his phone number on the caller id. It's okay to be groggy with family who understands.

Sometimes I don't sleep well during the night. I'll wake up every 15 minutes or every hour. Last night I had a particularly bad night. I even woke up noticing the blue light on my laptop was on and I got up and was worried that something was wrong with it. I turned on my light in the room, put on my glasses and tried to figure out if something was broken, but it wasn't. I get loopy when I sleep. That blue light is ALWAYS on to show it is plugged in. I know that!!!! Yet for some reason last night I didn't.

I was so tired and didn't get good sleep but by 8 am the phone started ringing. RING RING RING....... I ignore it and go back to sleep. Later it rings again and again I ignore it and go back to sleep. Now each time I get woken up and try to go back to sleep, I get more tired.

I used to not have the phone in my room so I didn't hear it. After my son moved out my husband brought it into my bedroom. It looks like I am going to need to turn off the ringer at night so I don't keep getting woken up.

I take the larger of my doses of meds at night.

This morning after the phone rang several times, I finally answered it. It was my doctor's nurse who was following up on my refill. I had to have the office call my insurance company and I thought all was well because yesterday afternoon, Walgreen's called to say my prescription was ready.

I answered the phone and spoke to the nurse who was afraid I wasn't going to have my prescription so I thought I told her that I had already gotten a call from Walgreen's. Then I go into my what I call manic mode and start being a chatter box. I was so embarrassed and if I had been more awake and alert I probably would have been better at communicating. After I get off the phone with her I am sitting on my bed, humiliated, totally upset with myself and swearing that I will NOT ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN I HAVE BEEN ASLEEP!!!! Ugh!

So this afternoon I get a call from the nurse again and she wants to know if I called Walgreen's to see if my prescription is ready. HUH??? First thing I do is start to apologize for being such an idiot on the phone this morning and she ....... cuts me off and tells me that she is just making sure I have my medication and wants to know if I called Walgreen's. Well.....No, not today. That frustrates her and then I tell her that I don't understand why it matters if I called them today because I already received the call YESTERDAY and my prescription is ready to pick up and my husband is picking it up on his way home from work today.

I tried to explain that I told her this morning when she called but I am not a good communicator when I first wake up. She's pissed at me and I feel like crying. She spoke to me like I'm a crazy person which I hate!!!!!

On the plus side, she did do her job and make sure I had my meds. Don't want the crazy person to go on a three day weekend without them now do we?

Insert maniacal laughter here....... =) Mahwahahahahaha

I'm turning off that damned phone!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gotta eat more veggies

I've gotten in a bad habit of eating crap that is filling but offers no real nutritional value. During the 8 months that my husband was unemployed we had to be creative to stretch the food budget so I started making stuff that was oil, butter, flour and sugar based. Breads, cookies, milk shakes made with vanilla, sugar and ice..... get the drift?

Crap, pure crap.

Meals were meat and starch without the vegetables or salads. Fruits? NOPE, fruits were too expensive.

So, I am feeling like a walking heart attack waiting to happen.

Ugh!

My husband absolutely hates vegetables and fruits so I don't know if I can save him but as for me, I feel I must begin to do something about my diet.

I can't go on eating the way we have been. I'm craving a good salad with spinach and dark green lettuce with cucumbers, celery, carrots, tomatoes and beets. I love vinaigrette dressings with oil and vinegar so I'm not going to be missing the heavy dressings.

I still have to stay on a strict budget. I've been shopping at Safeway because of their good deals but I am going to check out Walmart. I've never shopped much at Walmart but I am curious about the prices of their food.

Last night I went to Raley's and bought two blood oranges for .99 cents and two, count em, TWO mushrooms to go on my cheese pizza.

And that's another thing.... I'm done ordering pizzas from pizza resturants. My husband likes all the meat and I don't. I find it greasy and gross. That commercial that says, "Its not delivery, its DeGiorno's." Is RIGHT ON! There's no better pizza. And it's cheap! I can get Ultimate Four Cheese add my on veggies. LOVE IT! =)

Next time I do my grocery shopping for the week, I'm going to try Walmart.

The mind/body connection - 7 ways to better mental health

This is a very interesting and informative video about the relationship our nutrition plays in our mental and physical health. The title of this video is: 7 Steps To Better Mental Health by Austin Wellness Clinic

One of the reasons I am always questioning the theory of taking so many medications is that in my own experience I have and have seen many people become worse after taking the medications. It becomes a nightmare of side effects from the drugs and then when the drugs are no longer effective, more and more drugs are administered and combined.

I am not opposed to taking the drugs to help with my symptoms, however I am opposed to taking them in large doses and combining them with so many other medications.

I often suffer from hives that I get on my face. Usually around the cheek and chin area, my ear lobes and my eyelids. If you watch this video it discusses inflamation and causes that our bodies are crying out to us. It does make sense that if we take care of our physical health our mental health will be much better.

I know I don't eat healthy. I eat way too much sugar and processed foods. The video is about 21 min long, but well worth the time.