The ugly side

For me the downside to this illness is the array of EXTREME symptoms associated when I am on the downside. It makes it almost impossible to carry on as if I am A-Okay. I know that everyone has ups and downs but this is not normal or your average bad days, this is extreme and makes it difficult to manage daily life, hold a job or get along with others.


Here are the most troublesome:

• Problems concentrating
  
• Muscle tension
  
• Back pain
  
• Dizziness
• Fatigue
  
• Anxiety
• Memory problems
  
• Depression
  
• Loneliness
  
• Insomnia
  
• Irritable
  
• Grouchy
  
• Social Anxiety
  
• Pain, neck/shoulder
  
• Excessive daytime sleepiness (somnolence)
  
• Thinking problems
  
• Hopelessness
  
• Sensitivity to Loud Sounds
  
• Headaches/Migraines
  
• Suicidal thoughts
  
• Joint pain
  
• Deadened emotions
  
• Impulsive behavior
  
• Nightmares
  
• Major Depression
  
• Weight gain
  
• trouble falling asleep
  
• Panic attack(s)
  
• Apathy
• Avoiding people
  
• Lethargy
  
• Feeling emptiness
  
• Self-hating Thoughts (repetitive and involuntary)
  
• Obsessive Thoughts
  
• Feeling of hopeless and irremediable social/emotional isolation
  
• Difficulty waking up
  
• Brain fog
  
• Avoidance (Avoiding challenges and stress)
  
• Self-isolation
  
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
  
• Rash/skin problems
  
• Extreme/excessive guilt
  
• Perfectionism
  
• Racing thoughts
• Dissociation
  
• Vivid dreams
  
• Anxiety and Frustration
  
• Mood swings
  
• Loss of short term memory
  
• Binge eating
  
• Difficulty sleeping through night
  
• Boredom
  
• Dry mouth (xerostomia)
• Uncontrollable crying
  
• Paranoia
  
• Blurry vision
  
• Feeling guilty
  
• Agoraphobia
  
• Social withdrawal
  
• Fear
  
• Zoning out/day dreaming
  
• Panic about future
• Overspending
  
• General muscle achiness
  
• RAGE
  
• Ringing in ears (tinnitus)
• Balance problems
  
• Sugar cravings
  
• Late for everything
  
• Pain, chronic
  
• Guilt about what should-be-accomplished
• Sadness
  
• Self-injury
  
• Pessimism/negative attitude
• Always tired
  
• Flashbacks
  
• Shame
  
• late or miss work
  
• No social interaction
  
• Heat intolerance
• Jaw clenching
  
• Fear of travel
  
• Frustration
  
• Easily mad
  
• Dreams exhausting me
  
• Light sensitivity (photophobia)
  
• Sensitivity to a lot of noise
• Light headedness,
  
• Forecasting other's thoughts
• Feeling like I am disconnected from myself

Cognative therapy and medication help to manage these symptoms and keep me from wallowing in them, however, I do feel a great amount of guilt for the things I have not accomplished in my life. I am creative, artistic and smart. My teachers used to say I was brilliant. It's possible for me to be brilliant, which is something that many people who have this illness are. The brain goes from one extreme to the other. 0 to 60 and back down.

I enjoy the times I have stayed up for days to finish a painting or something I was working on. My energy was high and I didn't even notice the time. My mind exillerated into a place where time did not exist. Then I would crash and sleep all day, gaining my strength to do it again.

I think they used to call people like this eccentric. It's okay to be eccentric if you have wealth and don't have to work for a living but in the rat race of the working world, it doesn't pan out.