Forcing myself to socialize during the holidays

I tend to isolate myself for the same reasons. Often when invited somewhere with friends I will become anxious and think of every thing that could go wrong. I finally ran out of excuses with one of my freinds who lives about 5 hours away. He wanted my husband and I to stay over for Thanksgiving. I was anxious all week before we were supposed to leave on our trip. I even got one of what I call, "Stress cold" and wanted so badly to use that as an excuse. I went to the doctor and it turned out that I had an ear infection brought on by allergies. Now, when I have panic attacks it does affect me in the way that my sinuses get all stopped up. I was put on antibiotics so I didn't really have an excuse to not go.

I was worried sick over this trip, but the drive up was beautiful. Now that I am here, I have had a lot of fun. I'm so glad I came because it got me out of my regular routine and opened me up to new experiences and made me want to get out more.

I don't go around telling everyone that I have bi-polar disorder but when I have built a relationship with my friends I will talk about it and they are usually understanding. It's not like I act crazy. My illness just makes me more passionate and I tend to take things more seriously and what I do is dwell on things that most people let go of. So, I admit that I can be moody. Sometimes I'm more animated and other times I'm quiet. It doesn't bother my friends. If I have been moody, I usually apologize and most of the time it's not as bad as I thought it was.

For me, there are just going to be times that I practically have to be dragged out into the social world and force myself to do things that I might otherwise not do. When I arrive at my destination I most always have a great time and am grateful that I didn't sit at home.

Most people in this world have the same insecurities, anxiety, ups and downs that I have. It's not like having bi-polar disorder makes me a freak of nature. I just happen to feel all of this stuff on a deeper level than those who are considered "normal". I think that is why so many artists, writers, composers, actors, and other great people who have made a huge difference in this world were not considered "normal". Often the "normal" people are afraid of what they don't understand and those who treat me like we I'm crazy are just ignorant. At least I am getting help and doing what I can for my health. I don't think there are any medications or cures for stupidity. =) That's my take on dealing with the world.

When the darkness shines

I want to see the ocean, feel the sunshine and breezes on my skin. I want something to look forward to.

A reason to wake up.

At times it feels like I'm in the dark so much that there isn't any chance that the slightest flicker of light can get beyond the solid steel shield that my pysche puts up to protect my soul. My soul is trapped inside. I want to be in the light.

I watch the birds sometimes and wish that I too could fly away.

When problems come about and I find myself with few resources and the problems piling up, I want to end it. I think about it a lot. I don't want pain, and I don't really want to die. I just want the pain to stop. I want to feel peace.

Tonight I googled, "I'm feeling like I want to die." to see if I could find something, ANYTHING to help and I did get this website which was very helpful. I will try to refer back to it if or I should say WHEN the next episode of suicidal thoughts take over and I'm in this mood. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

It's late, I'm tired. Hope I can sleep. Just took half of a seroquel and it's taking effect. Tomorrow I'll go back to that website and read some more. I hate feeling depressed.

Everybody Hurts

"Everybody Hurts"

R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts Lyrics

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade)
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)

Everybody has moods. Mine can sometimes be a bit too emotional and that is embarrassing. I never know for sure if what I am feeling is normal or accentuated by my bipolar disorder. I don't consider my illness an excuse but there are times when stress can bring on an episode and I may over react to a situation and mostly take it out on myself.

This blog is for me to write my feelings and experiences. It is not for medical advice.