When the darkness shines

I want to see the ocean, feel the sunshine and breezes on my skin. I want something to look forward to.

A reason to wake up.

At times it feels like I'm in the dark so much that there isn't any chance that the slightest flicker of light can get beyond the solid steel shield that my pysche puts up to protect my soul. My soul is trapped inside. I want to be in the light.

I watch the birds sometimes and wish that I too could fly away.

When problems come about and I find myself with few resources and the problems piling up, I want to end it. I think about it a lot. I don't want pain, and I don't really want to die. I just want the pain to stop. I want to feel peace.

Tonight I googled, "I'm feeling like I want to die." to see if I could find something, ANYTHING to help and I did get this website which was very helpful. I will try to refer back to it if or I should say WHEN the next episode of suicidal thoughts take over and I'm in this mood. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

It's late, I'm tired. Hope I can sleep. Just took half of a seroquel and it's taking effect. Tomorrow I'll go back to that website and read some more. I hate feeling depressed.

Everybody Hurts

"Everybody Hurts"

R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts Lyrics

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade)
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)

Everybody has moods. Mine can sometimes be a bit too emotional and that is embarrassing. I never know for sure if what I am feeling is normal or accentuated by my bipolar disorder. I don't consider my illness an excuse but there are times when stress can bring on an episode and I may over react to a situation and mostly take it out on myself.

This blog is for me to write my feelings and experiences. It is not for medical advice.