Exposure

Sometimes it scares the shit out of me to write stuff on this blog. Often I'll contemplate deleting it. Sometimes I abandon it for a period of time pushing it further from my own reality. As if ignoring it means that I have not exposed my deepest thoughts, exposed my crazy side. LOL!

Writing about my personal feelings and posting them on the internet for the world to view it really difficult. The only reason I do so is for two reasons.

1. Maybe somebody out there will identify and understand the feelings and the situations that go along with having an illness that is highly misunderstood.

2. That I can get the message to someone who is suffering from this illness that they are not alone.

Some of us who have been in treatment have a better idea of what goes on and how to deal with our circumstances. We have shared our stories in therapy either privately or with groups in a safe environment. There are, however, some folks who are at the beginning of the journey and may feel tremendously out of sorts about the whole thing. This is a very personal illness because it effects how we feel inside.

I know I have felt shame often because from the outside I look fine. Healthy. Nobody can tell that I am sick. I'm not in a wheel chair, or using a cane. Yet, in many ways I do need a support system to hold me together, brace me as I walk among the living and try to live day by day. There is a struggle.

This illness does go into remission and there are months, even years when someone effected by bipolar disorder can live free from most of the symptoms. Those are the times we relish and when we often even question whether we really are sick and too often some of us will stop taking our medication. This is something I struggle with a lot. I don't like taking medications. I worry about the effects that they will have on my liver and God only knows what else. So when I am feeling better, more human, I question whether or not I really need those medications. I question whether or not I am truly suffering from bipolar disorder. Maybe the doctors made an error and I was only going through some tough times.

Bipolar disorder is a tricky disease.

The times that I did stop taking my medications always lead to a few months of being okay and then boom, drop, fall, hit bottom. So as far as going off of medications I don't see any way around it. The medications do keep me stable.

I really hate this disease and wish that I didn't have it. I don't want it. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. It really sucks!