Returning to gainful employment

Living with disappointment. That's what this illness does. It makes me feel ashamed of myself for not living up to other people's and my own expectations. Disappointment. I see it in their faces. I feel it everyday.

Yes, I qualify and have social security disability benefits. But, that's not enough to live on. Mainly it gives me my medical and helps pay for my medications which I am grateful for. But the disappointment lingers.

I want to work. I want to be able to provide a better quality of life for myself and my family. I feel so ashamed that I have this illness. I get depressed and feel trapped, hopeless.

Over the years I have attempted to return to work. The stress of dealing with (a certain type of) people usually causes my symptoms to pile up and I never can seem to work more than a few months before I am severely ill. The mania causes me to be irritable and the depression brings on all kinds of ailments such as body aches, migraines, low self esteem, tiredness, lethargic, anxiety, panic attacks and more. The medications they have me on also have side effects. Even as I'm writing this it looks pathetic. I have been fired from the last two jobs I've had. Still, I feel like I want to keep trying. No employer that I have worked for knew that I had a disability. How could I tell them? It's humiliating.

Of the last two jobs, the first one lasted two weeks. I was hired for my "real estate and mortgage experience" by a title company and was sent to a department that had me filing and copying. Mostly a lot of bending and stooping which I cannot do because of my knees and back problems. The two young girls I was working with had absolutely no background in this field and had worked previously in retail at the mall. They did not want to show me the software program they were using so that I could help them with the work. I went to the manager and told her that I do understand everything that is in those files and could do a better job if she just showed me how to work the software. I did say that I would not have accepted the position had I known I was going to be a file clerk. Probably not a good thing to say because after that, I was pretty much black balled. A few days later I got sick and was running a fever so they told me to go home. I did and the next day I was called into the managers office and told that by going home sick when I was new, didn't show them that I had a good work ethic so they gave me my final check and had someone escort me to pack up my desk and out of the building. I wasn't really sad about that one because the company had a sweatshop type of environment. Miles and miles of cubicles.

Next I was hired by a mortgage corporation as a loan processor. I didn't apply as a loan processor, I wanted to be a loan officer as that was my experience. I was hired temporarily as a processor with the promise that they would move me into a loan officer position.

About a week after I started working there the person who was in charge of training me left to go work for another company and I was left to fend for myself. I had to learn to use the software programs and learn the office protocol for sending files into our underwriters. I was experienced in mortgages so I pretty much knew how a file is processed for loan approval. It's just certain guidelines for particular loan programs that change and we need to keep up with it. So, I did okay with that job. In fact, I wrote a "how to" booklet for them so that any new hires could follow it and not have to go through all the trouble I did.

I loved the job, but of course there were certain people who were pre-madonnas and needed to be catered to. I did okay with that as well. As soon as I got promoted, I could be a pre-madonna too. Although, honestly, I think I am sensitive to people's feelings and I try not to be that way.

The brick wall I hit was a certain, "underwriter" who I had worked with years previously. (In the real estate field, it is typical to run into people you know from other companies.) Well, when I worked with her at another company and at one time we were friends but when we parted, we were no longer friends. Unfortunately, I told her some of my personal information. I told her I had bipolar disorder and anxiety and all that stuff. So....... here I am working with her again and this time she is an underwriter and I am a processor who has to turn my loan files into her. Well, she would take my loan files, underwrite them and then leave them on her desk and not contact me. I would call and leave messages, email her to no avail and hear nothing back from her. Finally, my manager would have to follow up with her to find out what the status was and she would tell them that she told me.... blah blah blah.... or emailed me blah blah blah..... So then in order to prove that I had turned in my work to her or had contacted her, I would have to send a copy to my manager. I'm pretty sure that she also told people stuff about my personal life. When we had our weekly office meetings, I would see her and I would try to be friendly but she would just give me a "look" and then ignore me. So, that wasn't pleasant. But still,..... I rallied on in my job. After all, I wasn't going to be a processor permanantly.

I was promised a promotion as soon as the company caught up with all the processing of loans that they were doing. I was even working in an office and not in a cubicle because I was to be doing this other job with another loan officer who I was sharing the office with.

I was barley there three months when they hired this "dude" and I mean it, he was a "dude". One of those slick willy sales people who does the "clicking thing" and winks as he walked by. He had absolutely NO REAL ESTATE OR MORTGAGE EXPERIENCE, he was a cell phone salesman and he was an idiot when it came to the mortgage industry and sales.

The day he came to work, he was introduced to me and he sat in my office with me and I showed him (babysat) around. Hmmm..... Well, the following Monday morning I come in and the IT guy is busy moving my computer to a cubicle while this guy is moving himself into my desk. Apparently his wife was best friends with the girlfriend of one of the guys who owned the mortgage company and he was being hired for the job I was promised and I was being moved permanently into processor cubicle hell. And.... on top of that, I was going to be slick Willy's processor. The equivalent of being his secretary!

I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have sucked it up and just let it go. Instead I started to confide in a person who I thought was a friend but who wasn't a friend. I probably moaned and groaned when I should have kept my feelings to myself. That seems to be a major issue I have about my "feelings".

This could have been a "trigger" that set off my mania and so I became more irritable and wasn't thinking rationally. Perhaps I had grandiose ideas, I don't know. But I ran my mouth and became obsessed about the situation.

I should have just appreciated that I had a good job that paid very well and full benefits. But noooooooo. I couldn't let it go. Then finally, when I was in a meeting with slick Willy and the woman who was at once my equal but who I was now working for (they were the team she and I were supposed to be). I opened my big mouth and announced that I didn't understand what had happened but I WAS NOT A PROCESSOR!!!!! I was so angry and I went back to my desk and the door to "their" office closed and it was quiet. I had plenty of loans to process so I went to work and by the end of the day my manager called me and asked me to meet with her. I turned to one of the fellow processors and said, "I'm fired.' She said, no she didn't think they would fire me, since I did such a good job. Well, when my manager got to the office I walked up to her and asked her if I was fired. She ushered me into her office and SHE started crying and she told me she was sorry but it wasn't a good match and she felt really bad. Well, I had to pack up my desk and that was the last of that job.

Since then I have been afraid to go to work again. I went through a severe depression afterwards and it took me awhile to get my social security and medical benefits reinstated. I'm not sure if I can get along with people on the long term. I know I don't want to work in the real estate industry anymore. I've never really worked in any other fields.

I'm not completely worthless. I do volunteer work and I am capable of typing and doing a lot of stuff. I speak good English and I write well. I can spell. I know how to work on web sites. Mostly the jobs that I got fired at were not due to my work, but due to how well I got along with people in my department. I usually do get along with people. It's when I get someone who is a total asshole that I come unglued. I cannot handle being berated or abused. I eventually explode. Then I find myself packing up my desk by the end of the day being escorted out by HR.

I wish I could find a job were I could work on the computer from home. That might work. I have signed up through the department of rehabilitation to get a job for the state through their LEAP program. They hire people with disabilities. Now our state is running out of money so there is a hiring freeze. I'm thinking about using my TICKET TO WORK and seeing if I can get a job through that program. Maybe if I get a job with an employer who knows I have a disability then I will be able to maintain steady employment. I'm not lazy. I want to work.

Living like I have been on social security disability has been life limiting and while I appreciate the help and the medical benefits it isn't enough to sustain the life I would like to live. My goal for 2009 is to get and keep a job.

What I am grateful for: The benefits, the doctors, medications that seem to be helping.
What I am manifesting: A job that pays well and offers great benefits and great people to work with.

One thing.

I feel guilty for what I wrote about my husband. I have to give him props for putting up with my moodiness. He is one of those people who is completely unselfish.

When I am down, he lifts me up and he doesn't do things that exacerbate my condition. He has a calming effect on me. That is the number one reason I love him and have stayed with him all these years.

There isn't any easy answer.

I spend too much time reflecting it in the past. Not a good habit.

I've read "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" and "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61)" by Eckhart Tolle at least 5 times and it is something I seem to have to consciously and purposely work on.

It is easy to slip back into thoughts of the past. Roads untraveled and what would have happened had I chosen one path instead of another.

There isn't any easy answer. The choices we make are what make our world. I guess I get angry with myself because I put too much of my fate into the hands of others. Looking for happiness outside of myself, or waiting for someone to else to make it happen. That is my biggest regret.

There was no guarantee that I would have been happy if I had made different choices. I may have avoided some disasters by making the choices that I did and this life may have been the best route, however, that's something I'll never know for sure.

What I do know is this. I am the only source of hope for myself. If I had the faith in myself and worked towards what I wanted by myself without looking to someone to provide for me, I would have had the power to give myself more of what I needed. I just didn't know it at the time.

I'm sure my illness has played a role in some of the choices. That's the sad part. Because when I am manic, and when I am depressed its as if I am two different people.

I got the Christmas blahs......midlife, regrets

So many people are out of work these days. Hubby was laid off from his job last year (he worked there for six years) and it took him 8 months before he got work again. It was rough. He's finally back at work again but we still don't feel secure as you never know.

Real estate got too expensive for me to practice since clients were to few and far between. I've taken my exams for a state job and have been applying but now with the state running out of money I don't know how that's going to work out. I still get job openings mailed to me from the state so I am sending in my applications when I get local jobs sent to me. I have a disability so I am applying through their LEAP program. Perhaps that will help. I don't know. I want to get on with the state because of the security and benefits. But now it looks like even that kind of job is not very secure. I recently applied with the Dept of Real Estate but I'll take anything they have to offer. I know once you get in there are jobs that they don't offer to the public so there are opportunities to advance.

My son is going into his second semester of college. He was at ARC but has transferred to Foothill College in Mountain View. He moved out recently and is living with room mates. He told me yesterday that they don't run their heater because it's old and uses too much electricity so he was freezing. Ah, the life of a young struggling student. =)

Hubby and I have contemplated moving into a one bedroom apt. until the economy picks up but though it would be more affordable and give us a cushion should he be out of work again, I cringe at the idea of being crammed in a tiny apt. I like my townhouse. It doesn't have the apartment feel, it feels like a home.

Now that property values have come back down, I wanted to have a secure job with the state and save money for two years and then purchase a home in my name alone. Hubby had a nightmare divorce from his first wife and he got caught in child support hell. He had two kids and she had two kids living with her but she officially had custody of all four and so Hubby owes her back child support for the kids that lived with him. With interest it's over $35,000. Makes both of us crazy mad to think about it and she'll never forgive the debt. Even though she doesn't deserve the money and all of his kids are now grown and one is about to turn 18, they'll never see a cent of it. He'll be paying on that debt for a long time. At least once the youngest turns 18 his payments will go to pay off the back support which has increased due to interest. He can't get a home loan as long as he has that on his credit report. I don't want her putting a lien on MY home which she will if his name is on it.

Sometimes I feel like I made a bad choice marrying Hubby. I knew from the get go that he had a lot of baggage and I broke up with him several times when we were dating because I didn't want to deal with someone who had a bitter ex and kids. If I could go back and do it again, I would have RUN RUN RUN!!!!!! Life with him has been a struggle and I often regret my choices. He's good to me and that is his saving grace. But I think he caters to me because he knows what I gave up for him and all he can give me is his attention. We have very little in common. I get frustrated because he tunes out and won't learn new things while I like to read and learn and experience. He's happy to sit in his recliner all day watching re-runs of Walker Texas Ranger. I haven't been to Tahoe, Napa or anywhere in years. He would be bored and his idea of eating out is "drive though."

When Hubby was my age, I was in my 30's. Now I'm his age when we met and he's approaching his 60's. I feel old before my time. He acts like an old man. I love him, but I love him like a family member and I get frustrated that my romantic life is over when I am still vibrant and wanting to experience life. I feel like I am missing my last opportunity before I become too old. I'm having a mid-life crisis and empty nest from my son moving out. =(

I have a group of friends (we met online and became real life friends) who get together once a month for a pot-luck dinner at someone's home. No kids, no husbands, just the ladies. There's about 15 of us but usually around 10 show up. We've been doing this for about 9 months and I have not missed a single dinner. It's my one opportunity to commune with like minded souls. I even hosted one party at my home. I needed this so much.

I keep thinking that if I get a job I'll feel better.

I don't know what we are doing for Christmas. I haven't put up a tree and probably won't. I bought my son a pair of (much needed) shoes and another small gift and that's all he's getting this year. I've been listening to Christmas music and enjoying the little get togethers with friends. We did a gift exchange at our last women's dinner. We drew names. Then tonight is the Ladies Auxiliary party. There is also a small party at the VFW for employees that I get invited to each year because I do their news letters and the web site. So, I'm getting plenty of holiday cheer. Just don't know what we'll do on Christmas day. Hopefully not sitting with Hubby watching re-runs on TV. He doesn't even like to rent movies. grrrrr..... And going to a movie with him is out of the question. The last movie we went to see together at a movie theater was TITANIC. LOL!!!

The ugly side

For me the downside to this illness is the array of EXTREME symptoms associated when I am on the downside. It makes it almost impossible to carry on as if I am A-Okay. I know that everyone has ups and downs but this is not normal or your average bad days, this is extreme and makes it difficult to manage daily life, hold a job or get along with others.


Here are the most troublesome:

• Problems concentrating
  
• Muscle tension
  
• Back pain
  
• Dizziness
• Fatigue
  
• Anxiety
• Memory problems
  
• Depression
  
• Loneliness
  
• Insomnia
  
• Irritable
  
• Grouchy
  
• Social Anxiety
  
• Pain, neck/shoulder
  
• Excessive daytime sleepiness (somnolence)
  
• Thinking problems
  
• Hopelessness
  
• Sensitivity to Loud Sounds
  
• Headaches/Migraines
  
• Suicidal thoughts
  
• Joint pain
  
• Deadened emotions
  
• Impulsive behavior
  
• Nightmares
  
• Major Depression
  
• Weight gain
  
• trouble falling asleep
  
• Panic attack(s)
  
• Apathy
• Avoiding people
  
• Lethargy
  
• Feeling emptiness
  
• Self-hating Thoughts (repetitive and involuntary)
  
• Obsessive Thoughts
  
• Feeling of hopeless and irremediable social/emotional isolation
  
• Difficulty waking up
  
• Brain fog
  
• Avoidance (Avoiding challenges and stress)
  
• Self-isolation
  
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
  
• Rash/skin problems
  
• Extreme/excessive guilt
  
• Perfectionism
  
• Racing thoughts
• Dissociation
  
• Vivid dreams
  
• Anxiety and Frustration
  
• Mood swings
  
• Loss of short term memory
  
• Binge eating
  
• Difficulty sleeping through night
  
• Boredom
  
• Dry mouth (xerostomia)
• Uncontrollable crying
  
• Paranoia
  
• Blurry vision
  
• Feeling guilty
  
• Agoraphobia
  
• Social withdrawal
  
• Fear
  
• Zoning out/day dreaming
  
• Panic about future
• Overspending
  
• General muscle achiness
  
• RAGE
  
• Ringing in ears (tinnitus)
• Balance problems
  
• Sugar cravings
  
• Late for everything
  
• Pain, chronic
  
• Guilt about what should-be-accomplished
• Sadness
  
• Self-injury
  
• Pessimism/negative attitude
• Always tired
  
• Flashbacks
  
• Shame
  
• late or miss work
  
• No social interaction
  
• Heat intolerance
• Jaw clenching
  
• Fear of travel
  
• Frustration
  
• Easily mad
  
• Dreams exhausting me
  
• Light sensitivity (photophobia)
  
• Sensitivity to a lot of noise
• Light headedness,
  
• Forecasting other's thoughts
• Feeling like I am disconnected from myself

Cognative therapy and medication help to manage these symptoms and keep me from wallowing in them, however, I do feel a great amount of guilt for the things I have not accomplished in my life. I am creative, artistic and smart. My teachers used to say I was brilliant. It's possible for me to be brilliant, which is something that many people who have this illness are. The brain goes from one extreme to the other. 0 to 60 and back down.

I enjoy the times I have stayed up for days to finish a painting or something I was working on. My energy was high and I didn't even notice the time. My mind exillerated into a place where time did not exist. Then I would crash and sleep all day, gaining my strength to do it again.

I think they used to call people like this eccentric. It's okay to be eccentric if you have wealth and don't have to work for a living but in the rat race of the working world, it doesn't pan out.

Forcing myself to socialize during the holidays

I tend to isolate myself for the same reasons. Often when invited somewhere with friends I will become anxious and think of every thing that could go wrong. I finally ran out of excuses with one of my freinds who lives about 5 hours away. He wanted my husband and I to stay over for Thanksgiving. I was anxious all week before we were supposed to leave on our trip. I even got one of what I call, "Stress cold" and wanted so badly to use that as an excuse. I went to the doctor and it turned out that I had an ear infection brought on by allergies. Now, when I have panic attacks it does affect me in the way that my sinuses get all stopped up. I was put on antibiotics so I didn't really have an excuse to not go.

I was worried sick over this trip, but the drive up was beautiful. Now that I am here, I have had a lot of fun. I'm so glad I came because it got me out of my regular routine and opened me up to new experiences and made me want to get out more.

I don't go around telling everyone that I have bi-polar disorder but when I have built a relationship with my friends I will talk about it and they are usually understanding. It's not like I act crazy. My illness just makes me more passionate and I tend to take things more seriously and what I do is dwell on things that most people let go of. So, I admit that I can be moody. Sometimes I'm more animated and other times I'm quiet. It doesn't bother my friends. If I have been moody, I usually apologize and most of the time it's not as bad as I thought it was.

For me, there are just going to be times that I practically have to be dragged out into the social world and force myself to do things that I might otherwise not do. When I arrive at my destination I most always have a great time and am grateful that I didn't sit at home.

Most people in this world have the same insecurities, anxiety, ups and downs that I have. It's not like having bi-polar disorder makes me a freak of nature. I just happen to feel all of this stuff on a deeper level than those who are considered "normal". I think that is why so many artists, writers, composers, actors, and other great people who have made a huge difference in this world were not considered "normal". Often the "normal" people are afraid of what they don't understand and those who treat me like we I'm crazy are just ignorant. At least I am getting help and doing what I can for my health. I don't think there are any medications or cures for stupidity. =) That's my take on dealing with the world.

Would it make a difference?

On Grey's Anatomy this week there was a patient who had a brain tumor. The location of the tumor caused the man to do things on the spur without thinking them through. He had recently married his "rebound" girl after knowing her only 10 days. On a camping trip he approached and touched a baby cub. This caused the mother bear to attack. Killing his brother and wounding him and his bride.

Meredeth Grey was trying to console herself that her on and off again boyfriend, Derek would get too serious with his rebound romance. She needed to prove that something must be terribly wrong with the man who came in with only a wounded hand. After all, he married his rebound girl. Everyone thought Meredith was being silly running all kinds of tests but in the end it did turn out that the man was acting this way because of an inoperable brain tumor. A physical illness was causing him to laugh when he found out his brother died.

Mental illness is like this in ways. It may not be a tumor, but it is physical. There is something going on with the brain's chemistry. Making us do things and act in ways that are not really our character.

I have to worry if I'm too happy or too sad. When I am hurt or angry, I have to second guess myself. I realize at times that I do over react. Yes. Emotions can get the better of me. It's like when I'm watching a show or reading a book and come to a part that would make a normal person perhaps tear up a little or feel for the character, I bawl. I catch myself doing it and I think, "Wow! Either I'm getting close to menopause or I'm just having a bi-polar moment. =)

I get too emotional.

Feel too deeply.

That is something that kicks my butt when I'm in a group of people. All of the personalities and egos, the chaos, the pecking order. I feel my senses become over stimulated sometimes and I become either a chatter box, lively and animated or I sink into my shell and sit back quietly taking it all in while feeling isolated and overwhelmed at the same time.
It is so hard to describe these feelings/emotions without hearing that everyone experiences this now and then. Yes, most people do. Everyone has ups and downs. That is life. I have them to the extreme.

I remember a time when I could handle situations without the anxiety and stress taking me down. Now, I hardly know that girl.

The people in my life who loved that girl, don't like me much. They are angry that the person they loved has changed. I'm still inside here. I have a disease that was most likely given to me by my parents. A disease that can be carried through generations. Though those in my family unaffected by it tend to look the other way and remain ignorant because I think they fear it. It's the nasty monster they keep locked in the closet.

Would it be easier for people to understand, less of a shame if I had a brain tumor instead of a chemical imbalance?

This illness does bring shame. It's my secret shame. A flaw in character. If I had a tumor instead, would my flaws be better understood? Would my disablity be acknowledged as a disability because you can see it?

When the darkness shines

I want to see the ocean, feel the sunshine and breezes on my skin. I want something to look forward to.

A reason to wake up.

At times it feels like I'm in the dark so much that there isn't any chance that the slightest flicker of light can get beyond the solid steel shield that my pysche puts up to protect my soul. My soul is trapped inside. I want to be in the light.

I watch the birds sometimes and wish that I too could fly away.

When problems come about and I find myself with few resources and the problems piling up, I want to end it. I think about it a lot. I don't want pain, and I don't really want to die. I just want the pain to stop. I want to feel peace.

Tonight I googled, "I'm feeling like I want to die." to see if I could find something, ANYTHING to help and I did get this website which was very helpful. I will try to refer back to it if or I should say WHEN the next episode of suicidal thoughts take over and I'm in this mood. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

It's late, I'm tired. Hope I can sleep. Just took half of a seroquel and it's taking effect. Tomorrow I'll go back to that website and read some more. I hate feeling depressed.

Everybody Hurts

"Everybody Hurts"

R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts Lyrics

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade)
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)

Everybody has moods. Mine can sometimes be a bit too emotional and that is embarrassing. I never know for sure if what I am feeling is normal or accentuated by my bipolar disorder. I don't consider my illness an excuse but there are times when stress can bring on an episode and I may over react to a situation and mostly take it out on myself.

This blog is for me to write my feelings and experiences. It is not for medical advice.