Would it make a difference?

On Grey's Anatomy this week there was a patient who had a brain tumor. The location of the tumor caused the man to do things on the spur without thinking them through. He had recently married his "rebound" girl after knowing her only 10 days. On a camping trip he approached and touched a baby cub. This caused the mother bear to attack. Killing his brother and wounding him and his bride.

Meredeth Grey was trying to console herself that her on and off again boyfriend, Derek would get too serious with his rebound romance. She needed to prove that something must be terribly wrong with the man who came in with only a wounded hand. After all, he married his rebound girl. Everyone thought Meredith was being silly running all kinds of tests but in the end it did turn out that the man was acting this way because of an inoperable brain tumor. A physical illness was causing him to laugh when he found out his brother died.

Mental illness is like this in ways. It may not be a tumor, but it is physical. There is something going on with the brain's chemistry. Making us do things and act in ways that are not really our character.

I have to worry if I'm too happy or too sad. When I am hurt or angry, I have to second guess myself. I realize at times that I do over react. Yes. Emotions can get the better of me. It's like when I'm watching a show or reading a book and come to a part that would make a normal person perhaps tear up a little or feel for the character, I bawl. I catch myself doing it and I think, "Wow! Either I'm getting close to menopause or I'm just having a bi-polar moment. =)

I get too emotional.

Feel too deeply.

That is something that kicks my butt when I'm in a group of people. All of the personalities and egos, the chaos, the pecking order. I feel my senses become over stimulated sometimes and I become either a chatter box, lively and animated or I sink into my shell and sit back quietly taking it all in while feeling isolated and overwhelmed at the same time.
It is so hard to describe these feelings/emotions without hearing that everyone experiences this now and then. Yes, most people do. Everyone has ups and downs. That is life. I have them to the extreme.

I remember a time when I could handle situations without the anxiety and stress taking me down. Now, I hardly know that girl.

The people in my life who loved that girl, don't like me much. They are angry that the person they loved has changed. I'm still inside here. I have a disease that was most likely given to me by my parents. A disease that can be carried through generations. Though those in my family unaffected by it tend to look the other way and remain ignorant because I think they fear it. It's the nasty monster they keep locked in the closet.

Would it be easier for people to understand, less of a shame if I had a brain tumor instead of a chemical imbalance?

This illness does bring shame. It's my secret shame. A flaw in character. If I had a tumor instead, would my flaws be better understood? Would my disablity be acknowledged as a disability because you can see it?