There isn't any easy answer.

I spend too much time reflecting it in the past. Not a good habit.

I've read "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" and "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61)" by Eckhart Tolle at least 5 times and it is something I seem to have to consciously and purposely work on.

It is easy to slip back into thoughts of the past. Roads untraveled and what would have happened had I chosen one path instead of another.

There isn't any easy answer. The choices we make are what make our world. I guess I get angry with myself because I put too much of my fate into the hands of others. Looking for happiness outside of myself, or waiting for someone to else to make it happen. That is my biggest regret.

There was no guarantee that I would have been happy if I had made different choices. I may have avoided some disasters by making the choices that I did and this life may have been the best route, however, that's something I'll never know for sure.

What I do know is this. I am the only source of hope for myself. If I had the faith in myself and worked towards what I wanted by myself without looking to someone to provide for me, I would have had the power to give myself more of what I needed. I just didn't know it at the time.

I'm sure my illness has played a role in some of the choices. That's the sad part. Because when I am manic, and when I am depressed its as if I am two different people.