Exposure

Sometimes it scares the shit out of me to write stuff on this blog. Often I'll contemplate deleting it. Sometimes I abandon it for a period of time pushing it further from my own reality. As if ignoring it means that I have not exposed my deepest thoughts, exposed my crazy side. LOL!

Writing about my personal feelings and posting them on the internet for the world to view it really difficult. The only reason I do so is for two reasons.

1. Maybe somebody out there will identify and understand the feelings and the situations that go along with having an illness that is highly misunderstood.

2. That I can get the message to someone who is suffering from this illness that they are not alone.

Some of us who have been in treatment have a better idea of what goes on and how to deal with our circumstances. We have shared our stories in therapy either privately or with groups in a safe environment. There are, however, some folks who are at the beginning of the journey and may feel tremendously out of sorts about the whole thing. This is a very personal illness because it effects how we feel inside.

I know I have felt shame often because from the outside I look fine. Healthy. Nobody can tell that I am sick. I'm not in a wheel chair, or using a cane. Yet, in many ways I do need a support system to hold me together, brace me as I walk among the living and try to live day by day. There is a struggle.

This illness does go into remission and there are months, even years when someone effected by bipolar disorder can live free from most of the symptoms. Those are the times we relish and when we often even question whether we really are sick and too often some of us will stop taking our medication. This is something I struggle with a lot. I don't like taking medications. I worry about the effects that they will have on my liver and God only knows what else. So when I am feeling better, more human, I question whether or not I really need those medications. I question whether or not I am truly suffering from bipolar disorder. Maybe the doctors made an error and I was only going through some tough times.

Bipolar disorder is a tricky disease.

The times that I did stop taking my medications always lead to a few months of being okay and then boom, drop, fall, hit bottom. So as far as going off of medications I don't see any way around it. The medications do keep me stable.

I really hate this disease and wish that I didn't have it. I don't want it. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. It really sucks!

To be or not

*****This is NOT medical advice. This is my own personal opinion and should be taken as such. Do not adjust or stop taking your medications without first discussing your options with your own physician.*****

It amazes me how many drugs and the quantity of drugs that are prescribed for people with bipolar disorder. I would be a walking zombie if I followed this advice. There's no way in hell that I could tolerate 800mg of seroquel, I can barely take 50mgs without feeling like I'm living in a drug haze.

This is just my theory and may not be right for everyone. I have been through the cycle of many of these drugs over the years and yes weight gain is the one of the most horrible side effects I have come to know quite well. I used to listen without questioning my doctors and take whatever they prescribed but then I would have awful side effects. For example the depekote caused horrible, embarrassing tremors. My hands would shake. Plus I gained a lot of weight on it. I met a woman who was taking topamax and was losing weight so I asked my doctor to put me on topamax and she did but then I started losing my memory and got really slow. So I asked for something else. I'd try something else and it would have side effects.

I had doctors who had me taking way too much tranquilizers like xanax and klonopin. At one time I was taking about 6 a day and sleeping all the time. I no longer take those. I stopped taking them and didn't use them for about 10 years. After going through an episode of having very bad panic attacks recently, I have a prescription for them but rarely ever take one. It did help to have them when I needed one, it stopped the attack but I don't want to take them every day. For me the fear of having an attack is almost as bad as having one so once I had something that would fend it off, I felt I had more power and I was able to talk myself out of it if one started to come on. Does that make sense?

Over the years I would get so frustrated with the side effects of the different drugs. A few times I went off drugs altogether and would be okay for a few months but then I would go into a mania or a depression and start having anxiety/panic attacks. Not being able to sleep, then sleeping all day.

When my doctor prescribed seroquel. She wanted me to take more than what I actually take. If I take even 100 mg of seroquel it makes me drowsy. My doc wanted me to take it at night and in the morning. Well, if I take 100 mg at night I'll sleep for at least 10-12 hours. I wake up feeling groggy. Plus, it does make my blood sugar spike and I crave sweets.

What I decided to do, and also with my doctor's knowledge, I cut the serequal into quarters. I take .25 mg at night to help me sleep (as it seems I will not fall asleep without it). That seems to work. I don't take it during the day. If I am having more anxiety or trouble falling asleep, I'll take .50 mg of the serequal. I know that if needed, I can take a higher dose. I do communicate with my doctor how much I am taking and how it is effecting me.

The thing I hate most about this illness is the amount of drugs we are expected to take. I realize that it is necessary for me to be on medications but I try to limit the quantity and if I can get by on the smaller dosages that is what I try to do. I am fortunate to have a p-doc who listens to me and allows me to discuss options about my care. I have had ass-hole doctors in the past who didn't listen but it seems that the medical plan I have has a good psychiatric department. I've been with them since 2001.

I read somewhere that a person was taking over 1000mgs of depekote!!! Then they had to take something else to curb the side effects from it. MY GOD!!!! No wonder there are groups that are warning people against taking psychiatric pharmacuticals.

Nobody knows for sure exactly what causes bipolar disorder and treatments vary from person to person and they have only experimented to find what helps. Many of the drugs cause damage to the liver and other side effects. I'm not saying that I won't take medications, because the meds do help, but I will not take mega doses and I will not rely on tranquilizers unless they are absolutely necessary on the short term. Those things are addictive!

I cannot say what is best for everyone, as many people who suffer from bipolar disorder already know, our illness is like a phantom that robs us of our emotional sanity and it's a roll of the dice to find the right cocktail of meds that will work on each individual. It sucks, it really really sucks! What I do may not work for someone else, so I am not suggesting that anyone cut their meds without discussing it first with their doctor. This is only what I have noticed works for me.

Everybody has good days and bad days and some days....I'm just gonna be bitchy.